http://thesingingpatient.com/blog.html The Singing Patient (Carla): Blog Jannis' PHPRss class - http://www.jannis.to/ Sat, 29 May 2010 00:59:06 -0700 http://thesingingpatient.com/blog.html/there_is_only_one_disease It somehow manages to confirm everything I ever suspected about the origins of disease, the shortfall of modern medicine, the destructiveness of the American lifestyle, and the resilience of the human body, as well as the possibilities of becoming completely well, despite what we've been told about chronic illness.
Unfortunately, it's going to involve giving up junk food and eating a lot of vegetables. I'm already doing that, but it's going to involve even more changes than I've already made. I already knew that sugar, nutrasweet (and other artificial sweeteners), dairy, white flour (and for me, all wheat), meat were off the list for me and for the most part I've made peace with all that.
But rice cakes? wow, it never even occurred to me that rice cakes were unhealthy. I've eaten enough rice cakes to start another Great Wall of China! Oh well.

But back to the bottom line of this book: there is only one disease, and that disease is (drumroll); cellular malfunction.
And there are only 2 causes of this one disease: nutritional deficiency and toxicity.
There are 6 pathways back to health: nutrition, toxicity (lack thereof), psychological (a powerful one), physical, genetic (advice here is mostly to avoid harming your DNA), medical (the advice on this one being avoid medical intervention as much as possible).

We blame so much on genetics. But we are not pre-programmed to self-destruct. In fact, according to this guy, we are pre-programmed to live to 120 and beyond, dancing and climbing mountains effortlessly until the day we die peacefully in our sleep. This is exactly what happens in isolated cultures that are free from the conveniences of "modern life," e..g., pollution, sedentary lifestyle, and processed foods. The good news is (now that we've heard the bad news: most of what we eat and love is bad for us, much of it having a net negative nutritional effect on our cells)--- we can make changes and positively, even drastically affect our health and no longer live in fear of getting sick and old and incapacitated and dependent on others, including a heartless soulless medical system that inflicts as much harm as it does help. OK I may be adding a little of my own opinion in here along with the synopsis, but not much...

There is so much confusing information out there about health and diet. This one book cuts through all the BS. It is incredible to hear about the isolated cultures who are free from processed foods and are so healthy they live to 120 and beyond, doing vigorous folk dances and fathering children to the day they die, which happens peacefully in their sleep. They are so healthy they don't even have words for things like dementia. They don't even get colds. Until the paved roads come in, and along with them the processed foods.

In general, when he's asked to give advice for one dietary change, he tells most people to cut out dairy. I mean really, what other species would walk up to another animal of a completely different species and start drinking its milk? Cows are kinda gross when you think about it. And for those of us with autoimmune issues, cutting out all gluten products. We've heard that one before, haven't we? I've been gluten free for a year and a half, off the diet soda for 2 years and 95% meat and dairy free for about 6 months. I am mostly sugar-free as well. It does help. I've even dropped a size in clothing. I refuse to step on the scale, because I don't want to make this about weight and vanity; this is about health and a permanent lifestyle change, the pursuit of health, vitality, freedom, reaching my true potential, being energized, feeling great. Looking great is an awesome bonus.

The subtitle is Health is a Choice. Learn How to Choose It.

Empowering. Promising. I'm about halfway through, still reading, but I'm sold on this one.]]> http://thesingingpatient.com/blog.html/there_is_only_one_disease Sat, 29 May 2010 00:55:06 -0700 The Singing Patient - The Singing Patient (Carla) - Blog http://thesingingpatient.com/blog.html/massively_humerus
A mass. that sounds so... massive. What does it mean? a mass of what? So of course I can't get any kind of game plan or more specific diagnosis until I go to an orthopedic guy/ gal. Sign. I hate limbo. I don't even like to do the limbo. But I can't go to the doctor anytime in the next couple days. I do guitar lessons and performances. I can't just cancel those unless i'm nearly dead. So I have to just get through the next few days then see if I can get into the specialist.

First the MRI. Then the XRays. Backwards, I know. Next I may have to get a catscan. What's the difference between a catscan and an MRI? Is the clanking sound more annoying? My right arm is getting so many pictures of it, it's starting to feel like Lindsay Lohan. If I don't look out it's going to start running around drunk to dance clubs with no panties on and buying designer clothes. And my left arm is getting a complex. "Hey I'm cute! Someone take a picture of me! How come the bad arm gets all the attention?"

My theory is that it's arthritis caused by guitar playing in my case. Ot the guitar case in my playing. Or too many wise cracks, trying too hard to be massively humerus.

I'm getting really tired of going to the doctor. Where's my &^%^ lollipop, anyway?]]> http://thesingingpatient.com/blog.html/massively_humerus Tue, 04 May 2010 00:59:06 -0700 The Singing Patient - The Singing Patient (Carla) - Blog http://thesingingpatient.com/blog.html/a_book_in_the_works
Over the past year, I thought about it more than usual, and boom- a book deal fell into my lap! It's a small press- Tell Me Press- doing interesting books.

My book, which I've been secretly working on since fall of 2008, is slated to come out in late 2010. It's a collection of humorous essays such as "You Can Biopsy When I'm Dead: My 15 Least Favorite Medical Procedures," and "Top 10 Annoying Things to Say to Someone Who's Just Been Diagnosed."

I've gathered a few pictures for possible inclusion in the book, ranging from attractive to mildly humiliating. My famous $40 wig will hopefully make it into the photo section.

It has been copy-edited (they fixed my typos and grammatical errors- I made a lot so the editors would feel needed), rewritten and is now in the hands of the typist and the graphic artist.

Watch for the final product and big reveal Fall 2010.]]> http://thesingingpatient.com/blog.html/a_book_in_the_works Sat, 01 May 2010 20:29:35 -0700 The Singing Patient - The Singing Patient (Carla) - Blog http://thesingingpatient.com/blog.html/not_enough_germs
The part I disagree with is *why* we have an imbalance. Autoimmune diseases are most rampant in "developed" (a.k.a industrialized, or Westernized) countries. The microbiologists posit that what those countries all have in common is lots of hand washing, caution about germs,etc. and they think that's the issue: Kids don't play in the dirt enough, we wash our hands too often, etc.

Let me just say- I ate plenty of dirt as a kid. I played in a sandbox (where the cat sometimes pooped). We had recess at school twice a day, and no one washed their hands after. We shared a water fountain through my senior year. As soon as we got home, our parents sent us outside to play. I went to summer camp where we used a latrine. I am sure I ran into *plenty* of germs. And my mom was not hysterical about wiping them off me. And yet, I've still got not one, but 4 autoimmune conditions.

However, I will still entertain the idea that I don't have enough parasites, or microorganisms in my system because I also had *plenty* of exposure to antibiotics. And that is what I think is causing the imbalance, not soap.

Sadly, doctors were, at least in 1992, when i first got sick (but didn't yet have a diagnosis), indiscriminately giving out antibiotics, and i had 4 rounds of them in a row while they were trying to figure out what was wrong with me- and every single batch of them made me sicker. Full body rashes, vomiting, and escalation of the lupus.

I've taken them for bronchitis a bunch of times, I took them when I got my wisdom teeth cut out. I think it's pretty safe to say I've taken antibiotics between 12 and 20 times in my life, and I'm probably not unusual in that respect.

So if you're looking for a culprit, look past the bar of soap, which I will continue to use (though not antibacterial soap, just plain old normal burt's bees chemical-free soap- because I don't want e coli, thanks!), and look in the medicine cabinet.

Yes, antibiotics save lives, but there's such a thing as too much of a good thing.
Now, tell us how to rebalance our systems. will probiotics do the trick, or do we need something more gross?
Can I just go back to the playground?

PS would someone please study the connection between allergies and autoimmunity? Please?]]> http://thesingingpatient.com/blog.html/not_enough_germs Thu, 22 Apr 2010 22:17:05 -0700 The Singing Patient - The Singing Patient (Carla) - Blog http://thesingingpatient.com/blog.html/famous_people_with_ms
Why would I "out" these people?
1) they're already "out"
2) to point out that many of these folks have continued their demanding career in show biz, despite being diagnosed with a serious illness. I think it even made some of them funnier. Not Neil Cavuto, though.

Annette Funicello
Teri Garr
Clive Burr (Iron Maiden drummer)
Neil Cavuto (Fox news)
Lena Horne
Jonathan Katz (comedian)
Hal Ketchum
David Lander ("Sqiggy" from Laverne and Shirley)
Richard Pryor
Clay Walker (country singer)
Montel Williams

http://www.mult-sclerosis.org/]]> http://thesingingpatient.com/blog.html/famous_people_with_ms Fri, 05 Feb 2010 19:12:48 -0800 The Singing Patient - The Singing Patient (Carla) - Blog http://thesingingpatient.com/blog.html/intersting_article_on_disability_humor http://ow.ly/oL22 (when disability jokes are not funny)]]> http://thesingingpatient.com/blog.html/intersting_article_on_disability_humor Thu, 21 Jan 2010 15:10:01 -0800 The Singing Patient - The Singing Patient (Carla) - Blog http://thesingingpatient.com/blog.html/to_sleep_perchance_to_heal
But once I put that pressure on myself to that *must* sleep, now I have performance anxiety added to the mix- what if i can't sleep? Oh god, there's the paper delivery guy. Oh now I hear the trash trucks. it's getting light outside. crap.

I've been on bunches of sleep meds. Ambien just made my face puffy, still couldn't sleep. Rozaren has great commercials with Abe LIncoln and beavers, but my dreams were still missing me, even with a double dose. Attivan actually works for me, but it erases my memory and makes me tired (how can you tell - autoimmunity makes you tired! OK, even more tired).

A great deal of the reason I can't sleep is that I can't shut off my brain. i worry about stupid crap that probably won't happen, or stupid stuff that already happened and I should have handled better, or stupid stuff that will happen but doesn't matter, or I can't do anything about... or, best of all, i worry about not getting enough sleep, causing me to not be able to fall asleep. Anti-anxiety meds work great for this, but for every drug there is a price to pay, and i don't just mean $, because attivan generic is cheap. Having no short-term memory is actually getting to be a problem. Thankfully, my husband is very trustworthy. Because when people tell me I said on Monday "I'd like to go to a 5-hour play about ringworms this weekend," i just have to take their word for it that I did indeed say that. Clearly it's time to get off the attivan. It's been 3 years.

I started taking it in the hospital when I was almost literally climbing the walls because 1) i hate being in the hospital 2) they pout me on a high dose of prednisone. I was about to check out A.M.A (funny how "American Medical Association" and "Against medical advice" have the same acronym) and they gave me some attivan to calm me down. Meanwhile I already had plans to sneak out that night for dinner with my fiance and my mom so get some real food. I took the attivan first. I remember getting the menu, and I remember signing the hospital log on the way back in as a "visitor" (me visiting myself- and I thought I didn't care). The rest- again- I have to take my Joe's word on.

Anyway, it's time to deal with this monster. So i bought this guided imagery cassette (yes a cassette) and listened to it on my walkman (yes a walkman) and listened to it with my pet rock (no, not really) as i lay in bed, and after 4 straight nights of lousy/ no sleep, I finally relaxed and fell asleep. I often use CNN when I can't sleep, but the content on CNN can't possibly be what I really want in my subconscious: political fighting, rape, murder, balloon boy. I need something more healing (which would be just about anything else short of Nightmare on Elm Street).

The walkman I have has auto-reverse, so one night I actually dreamed I was in therapy and the therapist was saying all the stuff on the tape. Over and over and over. It was like being trapped in an airport all night during the old days of CNN - when they showed the same newsreel over and over every 15 minutes. Dueting with the airport's "special security announcement" every 10 minutes.

My "relaxation" tape had been running for so long that night, it became a subconscious annoyance. Finally, in my dream I asked the therapist to please stop repeating herself. Eventually- something you can't do when you're trapped in an airport unless you own one of those TV zapper gizmos- I woke up and hit the "stop" button.]]> http://thesingingpatient.com/blog.html/to_sleep_perchance_to_heal Thu, 14 Jan 2010 21:45:47 -0800 The Singing Patient - The Singing Patient (Carla) - Blog http://thesingingpatient.com/blog.html/celebrities_with_cancer
I bet a number of them were very secretive about it, especially in the "old days" when cancer was generally not spoken about at all and referred to, if at all, as "the big 'C.""

But these days, celebrities seem to feel pretty comfortable talking about having cancer. Thank goodness they're providing some substance to the celeb mags, between the "which 2 divas wore the same dress?" column and the "Guess whose cellulite-ridden butt this is?" photos.

The point of my posting this list is this:
Notice the great variety of people on this list. If the Founder of the Peace Corps, Don Knotts, Mr. Wizard, and 2 serial killers get the same diagnosis, then I must conclude that cancer, and disease in general is not doled out on a "who deserves this most?" basis.

Ty Cobb - Baseball Player
Gary C. Comer - Founder of Lands End clothing company
Joseph Kauffman - Peace Corps Founder
June Pointer - Singer (Pointer Sisters)
Patsy Ramsey - Mother of JonBenet Ramsey
Rudolf Vrba - Auschwitz death camp escapee

Queen Hatshepsut - Ancient Egyptian Mummy (cancer is not a new invention!)
Don Herbert - TV Host ("Mr. Wizard")

Terry Jones - Actor ("Monty Python")

Lee Atwater - Chairman, Republican National Committee
George Gershwin - Composer
Bob Marley - Reggae Singer
Frank Edward "Tug" McGraw - Baseball Player
Bobby Murcer - New York Yankees' Announcer
Pat Paulsen - Comedian
Slim Pickens - Actor
Pete Rozelle - NFL Commissioner
Wilma Rudolph - Olympic Gold Medalist
Gene Siskel - Movie Critic
Deke Slayton - Astronaut
Robert Swanson - Founder of Genentech

Ingrid Bergman - Actress
Shirley Temple Black - Actress
Erma Bombeck - Journalist
Julia Child - Chef
Sheryl Crow - Singer-Songwriter
Bette Davis - Actress
Elizabeth Edwards - Wife of US Senator
Melissa Etheridge - Musician
Edie Falco - Actress
Peggy Fleming - Figure Skater
Betty Ford - First Lady
Kathryn Frost - Major General in US Army (Highest Ranking Woman in US Army)
Nanci Griffith (Breast Cancer, Thyroid Cancer) - Singer
Ruth Handler - Barbie Doll
Kate Jackson - Actress
Ann Jillian - Actress
Susan Komen (Her sister, Nancy Brinker, founded the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation.)
Patti LaBelle - Singer
Juliette Gordon Low - Founder, Girl Scouts of the USA
Linda Eastman McCartney - Wife of Paul McCartney
Olivia Newton-John - Actress/Singer
Sandra Day O'Connor - Supreme Court Justice
Nancy Reagan - Former First Lady
Lynn Redgrave - Actress
Cokie Roberts - Journalist
Carly Simon - Singer
Jaclyn Smith - Actress
Suzanne Somers - Actress
Gloria Steinem - Founder, Ms. Magazine

Sharon Osbourne - Wife of Ozzie Osbourne
Ronald Reagan - US President
Charles Schultz - Peanuts
Tony Snow - White House Press Secretary
Darryl Strawberry - Baseball Player
Ann Richards - Texas Governor

Desi Arnez - Actor
Jack Benny (Lung Cancer, Pancreatic Cancer) - Comedian
Leonard Bernstein - Composer
Yul Brynner - Actor
Nat "King" Cole - Musician
Gary Cooper - Actor
Joe DiMaggio - Baseball Player
Walt Disney - Animator
Jimmy Dorsey - Musician
Morton Downey, Jr. - Comedian
Duke Ellington - Musician
Susan Hayward - Actress
Nancy Gore Hunger - Al Gore's Sister
Peter Jennings - ABC Anchor
Don Knotts - Actor
Roger Maris - Baseball Player
Dean Martin - Actor
Wayne McLaren - Marlboro Man
David McLean - Marlboro Man
Steve McQueen - Actor
Tammy Faye Messner - Televangelist
Robert Mitchum - Actor
Claude Monet - Painter
Edward R. Murrow - Journalist
Vincent Price - Actor
Lou Rawls - Soul Singer
Dana Reeve - Actress
Cal Ripkin, Sr. - Baseball Player
Ed Sullivan - Entertainer
Will Thornbury - Actor (Camel TV Ads)
Spencer Tracy - Actor
John Wayne - Actor
Carl Wilson - Musician
Warren Zevon (Mesothelioma) - Musician

Paul Allen - Cofounder of Microsoft
Gene Autry - Singer/Actor
Ed Bradley - CBS News Anchor (60 Minutes)
Robin Bush (Leukemia, age 3) - Daughter of President George H.W. Bush
King Hussein - Jordanian King
Arte Johnson - Actor
Charles A. Lindbergh - Aviator
Mickey Mantle, Jr. - Baseball Player
Roger Maris - Baseball Player
Gabriel Garcia Marquez - Nobel Laureate
Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis - First Lady
Shah Mohammad Reza Pahlavi - Shah of Iran
Joey Ramone - Musician/Singer
Fred Thompson - US Senator
Paul Tsongas - US Senator
Mr. T (Laurence Tureaud) - Actor
Gene Wilder - Comedian

Coretta Scott King - widow of Martin Luther King Jr.

Count Basie - Jazz Musician
Jack Benny - Comedian
Former president Jimmy Carter lost four family members to pancreatic cancer.
Joan Crawford - Actress
Dizzy Gillespie - Jazz Musician
Steve Jobs (Islet Cell Neuroendocrine Tumor) - Apple Corp. CEO
Michael Landon - Actor
Henry Mancini - Musician
Margaret Mead - Anthropologist
Luciano Pavarotti - Singer
Mel Sachs - Attorney to the Stars

Harry Belafonte - Musician/Actor
James Brown - Singer, Godfather of Soul
Bob Dole - US Senator
Louis Farrakhan - Leader of Nation of Islam
Rudolph Giuliani - Former NYC Mayor
Andy Grove - Intel Corp.
Bob Hayes - Olympic Gold Medalist
Charlton Heston - Actor
John Kerry - US Senator
Timothy Leary - LSD
Nelson Mandela - Former President of South Africa
Roger Moore - Actor
Rupert Murdoch - Media Magnate
Jerry Orbach - Actor
Arnold Palmer - Golfer
Floyd Patterson - Heavyweight Champion of the World
Linus Pauling - Nobel Laureate
Colin Powel - US Secretary of State
Norman Schwarzkopf - Retired General
Joe Torre - NY Yankees
Frank Zappa - Musician

Wayne Boden - Serial Killer (Vampire Rapist)
Fitz Dixon Jr. - Owner of Philadelphia 76ers
Stuart Entwistle - Surfer
John McCain - US Senator
Elizabeth Taylor - Actress
Napolean Bonaparte - French Emperor

Lance Armstrong - Tour de France Winner
Richard Belzer - Actor/Comedian
Tom Green - Comedian
Scott Hamilton - Figure Skater
Dean Martin - Actor

Humphrey Bogart - Actor
Sean Connery - Actor
Sammey Davis, Jr. - Entertainer
Ulysses S. Grant - US President
George Harrison - Musician
Babe Ruth - Baseball Player
Lana Turner - Actress
Mary Wells - Singer

Isaac Asimov - Author
Rudy Bladel - Serial Killer (1978 Railroad Murders)
Gail Devers - Athlete
Roger Ebert - Movie Critic
Nanci Griffith - Singer
Joe Piscopo - Actor/Comedian
William Rehnquist - Supreme Court Justice
Rod Stewart - Musician

Fran Drescher - Actress
Archbishop Christodoulos - Leader of Greek Orthodox Church
Farrah Fawcett - Actress
Sigmund Freud - Psychologist
Francis George - Roman Catholic Cardinal
Bobby Hamilton - NASCAR driver
Aaron Spelling - TV Producer

source:
http://www.kantrowitz.com/cancerpoints/celebrities.html]]> http://thesingingpatient.com/blog.html/celebrities_with_cancer Tue, 15 Dec 2009 17:11:28 -0800 The Singing Patient - The Singing Patient (Carla) - Blog http://thesingingpatient.com/blog.html/if_the_shoe_doesnt_fit_dont_wear_it And I think it had to do with wearing cheap crappy tennis shoes with no arch support.

I spent the whole summer with severe, unrelenting foot pain. I gotta say, when the feet ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

First we thought it was plantar fasciitis, a painful shortening of the tendon along the arch. Podiatrists can thank the flip-flop fad for their booming plantar fasciitis biz amongst teens. I went to the first podiatrist, who gave me some stretching exercises and suggested icing it as well. And gave me some vicodin Rx, which barely touched the pain. The ice helped a little, temporarily. But the minute i stepped on my foot, even for a second, i was in pain for the next couple hours, until about a half hour after i got off it and elevated it. It really didn't seem worth it to step on it for any reason at all- even to go to the bathroom. My kingdom for a toilet sofa!

Turns out, according to the 2nd podiatrist, it is Morton's neuroma. which also means inflammation and constant pain in the bottom of my left foot- the ball of my foot and my toes, including under the nails.

Morton's neuroma usually happens to women who wear high heels. I don't wear high heels- or flip flops- or high-heeled flip flops (not making that up, they exist), but I did recently get a pair of sneakers that look extremely cool but didn't quite fit my left foot correctly, and don't have any support for my high arches. (But they looked cool...)

I finally got a little relief at the acupuncturist and then on the way home buying some aspirin. I didn't want shots of cortisone in my foot because cortisone thins bones, and foot bones are already thin. I spent June of 2005 walking around with my foot in a Darth Vaderesque walking boot and once was enough. (anybody want to buy a well-loved walking boot for a left foot?)

I couldn't take Advil because of a history of kidney problems. I wouldn't get cortisone shots. Narcotics weren't even touching the pain. But they were working, if your goal is to be groggy and constipated. Finally it occurred to me that aspirin was not forbidden for me. So my doctor wrote my a prescription for heavy duty aspirin (Saulsalate- sounds yummy. It's not). I took so much of it I started to lose my hearing! OMG! I remembered Rush Limbaugh- he lost his hearing taking a narcotic that is cut with aspirin and had to get a cochlear implant.

My podiatrist kept trying to get my insurance to pay for an MRI which held things up. FInally we went forward without one, just using ultrasound (why didn't we do this first?) and he gave me shots of dehydrated alcohol. How do you dehydrate alcohol? I don't know and I don't care, because it worked well enough that Joe and I could finally go take those ballroom dace lessons we had signed up for at the beginning of the summer.

I got 2 shots and that took care of about 90% of it. The shots are supposed to break up the neuroma, as opposed to just reducing inflammation temporarily (which cortisone does when it's not busy eating your bones).

And at least for now (until I'm foolish enough to forget), I resolve that cheap shoes (and shoes that make me look cheap- e.g., high heels) are not worth the price. My inserts, which cost more than my "cool" sneakers, are now in my old "uncool" sneakers. And my cool sneakers still look really cool- in the trash can. That was the most expensive pair of cheap shoes I'll ever buy.

My new motto: If the shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it.]]> http://thesingingpatient.com/blog.html/if_the_shoe_doesnt_fit_dont_wear_it Mon, 14 Sep 2009 22:08:11 -0700 The Singing Patient - The Singing Patient (Carla) - Blog http://thesingingpatient.com/blog.html/my_15_least_favorite_medical_procedures
15) catheter. I swear I should have filed for rape after that. I was in the hospital and they did a catheter, and got nothing (no pee), and wanted to do another one I said "I can get enough UTIs on my own without having a tube threaded up into my bladder. Tell your boss 'patient refused procedure.'" Did you know you could do that? yup. If they want pee, they'll just have to feed me water and wait for me to go in a cup.

14) cauterizing veins. Holy crap! how did i get talked into this one? I went to the dermatologist about something else and he talked me into getting all the little red veins on my nose cauterized- closed off for cosmetic reasons, so I'd have a nice smooth white skin around my nose. I hurt like the dickens (cauterizing= burning) and smelled like someone was grilling hamburgers on my face. Then afterward, for 2 weeks, it looked like I had lost a boxing match. My nose was completely purple. The worst part is, I got in a fight with my boyfriend long-distance over the phone, and he sent me a singing telegram to apologize. You should have seen the look on the singer's face, singing an apology song to a girl with a hideously bruised nose. Oh, yeah, and the little red veins returned within 6 months.

13) Iodine test. I can't believe they don't routinely ask people if they are allergic to iodine before they shoot it into their veins. This is what killed my grandmother. If you are allergic to shrimp, you should not get an iodine test. Unless you secretly wish to die of anaphylactic shock.

12) Wisdom tooth extraction. The drugs and laughing gas are good enough that I don't remember the procedure but oh do i remember the aftermath. I was in bed for 2 weeks. Gaping holes in my mouth where 4 teeth were cut out, and antibiotics I was allergic to. I was 19, and my parents were out of town, so when I got a full-body rash from the drugs, I kept taking them because I didn't want to get an infection. 2 weeks of hot swollen full-body rash. And, I waited until I was in a lot of pain to take the pain pills. Don't do that!! Its too hard to control then, and you end up taking more or running out. I remember that my parents were out of town, because I was alone in their huge old house with cats and central air (which makes for lots of weir noises at night). I slept with a crowbar and told myself to sleep lightly. I woke up the next day and the crowbar had fallen on the hard floor and I hadn't woken up.

11) Hospital roommate getting an enema. Me, I feel better after a good enema. But I feel much worse after the person in the next bed, who has blockage and hasn't taken a dump in months, has an enema. Geez! I was in with nausea and stomach flu that time, not at all alleviated by the toxic brown cloud wafting in my direction. Oy! Private room, anyone?

10) Transfusions. Yuk, ew, gross. But sometimes really necessary. I got them twice in '02. I had a really bad reaction to one of them- cramps, aching, itching. I mean what if the donor ate shrimp or something else that gives me hives? Not to mention the diseases in some blood. And the weird karma. Takes forever, huge needle, feels like a railroad spike in my arm, freaks me out. Again, in the hospital all day, hard to match blood type (AB), no diet orders = no food.

9) Getting marked with a sharpie. OK, if I mark myself with a sharpie to keep the doctor from lopping off a leg by mistake while I'm knocked out, that's one thing. But when the nurse puts big permanent marker Xs on my swollen feet where she found my pulses, that's dehumanizing.

8) Glaucoma test. I don't like having drops in my eyes at all, but certanly not some yellow crap that means I can't safely drive myself home from the eye doctor. But I *really* don't like having some hard plastic thing stuck up against my eyeball. I swear he's been doing this test on me since I was 16. Who gets glaucoma at 16? The last 2 times I said "no thanks, I'm the designated driver."

7) kidney (or other) biopsy. I've had 2 kidney biopsies. The first one, I told them I was a bleeder- I have a long bleeding time (takes me a long time to clot). There are lots of major vessels in the kidneys, so they cut me open so they could see what they were doing and make sure they didn't hit a major artery and have me bleed to death for a dumb test. They put me under (not everyone wakes back up from anesthesia so I was nervous, but my doctor mocked me for being nervous. this was just before she "fired" me for "challenging her authority." Please.), stuck a tube down my throat (didn't warn me about that either. I'm a singer. Not good.), cut me open and grabbed a piece of tissue. Instead of sewing me up they put some weird see-through adhesive gauze on the gaping hole in my right side and of course it got infected. I'm allergic to so many antibiotics that I decided to kill it by taking 50 garlic pills a day., This was during the hot humid summer, so all that garlic killed my social life as well. No vampires though. End result? Tissue sample too small to be conclusive and my drug regimen remained unchanged. 8 years later i got another biopsy. I was in the hospital all day waiting for coagulant, with no food (no diet order from teh Dr). They didn't have to cut me open, but again the sample was too small and my treatment was unchanged. When they asked me about doing a biopsy last year of my kidney I told them "You can biopsy me when I'm dead."

6) Prostate exam. Or as my hubby calls it, "Prostrate exam." (just for men. I've been spared this one). To those guys who have yet to experience it, it's a finger up the wazoo. OK guys, I'll admit this can't be pleasant. They could at least warm up their hands for you. Of course we women have been subjected to a similar humiliation since puberty, but let's not let that take away from your pain. Esp when you can't see the doctor's hands and you're just taking his word for it that that's a finger in there. Which is bad enough.

5) EMG. should be called OMG! Holy CRAP! who the *%^# came up with this test? Especially for someone with nerve damage. Hello?! I'm already in pain! Zapping me with electrodes in increasing amounts of voltage, you can't be surprised when my legs jerk around in reflex. "Stop jerking!" "Stop zapping and I'll stop jerking." I never got past the first area of testing, my left ankle. Apparently they do both ankles, both knees, hands, elbows, maybe some other parts. I stood it as long as I could, but I was in so much pain I didn't even get 20% through the test. Apparently, I missed the big finale where they stick a gigantic needle in your arm and zap the daylights out of you. I never even saw the neurologist. I told me rheumatologist how awful it was and she said "Oh I had one. it wasn't that bad." Do you have neuropathy? Then shut up!) Avoid this one if you can. My friends who did make it to the big needle at the end of the tunnel tell me their treatment was unchanged afterward. I can't see any benefit to the "OMG!," unless you are a dominatrix.

4) Mammogram, better known as slam-a-gland. I'm sure you can find a great description of this on the web somewhere. Or ask any woman over 40. I haven't had one yet. Some folks even think too many mammograms can increase your risk of cancer by exposing those tissues to radiation every time you get tested. If a man had to get his you-know-what slammed between 2 cold steel plates and then squished flat as a pancake, they would be storming capitol hill.

3) a bad phlebotomist. That means, they can't find a vein with a needle. I swear, some of them can't find a garden hose with a shovel. But those are not the phlebotomists- those are the doctors playing phlebotomist, who are rusty (not literally!) and out of practice. Never let a doctor stick you. Get the expert. If the doctor tries to stick you himself, say "Doctor, I think someone's beeping you. Send the Phlebotomist, please." Important rule: 2 sticks and you're out. If a nurse can't get a vein in 2 tries, she is supposed to call for someone else. It's an unspoken rule, but you as the patient can speak it. Only 2. it's not baseball.

2) drawing blood from my fingertip with a spring-loaded needle. OW! is there no other body part they can pull blood from? All my nerve endings are at my fingertips! Do they do this to POWs to get info out of them? I'd squeal in a second! "I'M A GUITAR PLAYER! STOP POKING HOLES IN MY FINGERTIPS! WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW???? I did it! I confess! go AWAY!"

1) Bone Marrow test. holy crap this was painful. OK I admit I had a crush on my hematologist, so I wore some cute flowery cotton victoria's secret undies to my bone marrow test. don't do this! They got blood all over them. They put a big hole on one side of your back, just above the hip, stick a gigantic needle into your bone and draw marrow from the inside of your leg and you can feel it all the way to your tip of our big toe. There is no painkiller that can stop the sensation. I used up every cuss word I'd ever heard, went through the Fred Flinstone cussing vocabulary, and then had to make some more up. I'm sure it wasn't cheap, either, but at the time I had Medicaid and it paid for everything. Which may be why I had this (for me, at the time) unnecessary test. Once again, nothing about my treatment changed. Except for me doing contortions trying to clean and change a wound near the middle of my back.

The following, however, are not so bad:
X rays (quick and painless, though probably not harmless)
MRIs (I just go to sleep, but I wonder about that dye they inject me with)
Bone density test (non-invasive, slept through it)
Dental exam. Just the exam mind you.
sonograms (they get slime all over your abdomen, but it doesn't hurt at all)

Beware of doctors who are "test-happy" and remember you have the right to say no, especially if you are informed.]]> http://thesingingpatient.com/blog.html/my_15_least_favorite_medical_procedures Fri, 23 Jan 2009 17:07:34 -0800 The Singing Patient - The Singing Patient (Carla) - Blog